Toxic vs. Godly Patriarchy

I was raised in a very loving home. My parents married at 18 and are still happily married today. I have a great dad that loves and treats my mom very well and loves me and my sister more than his own life. I had a great example of what a man should be. On the other hand, I also grew up in an extended family of women that didn’t trust men. Many tragic circumstances left all of the women without husbands and their children without fathers. In fact, I was the first of all my cousins that graduated highschool and still had my dad. All of the situations that left these women alone, ended up causing them to be bitter and distrusting toward ALL men. Because of this, I was raised around women who were feminists and who drilled into my head that I couldn’t trust men. Men would leave you alone. Men would control you. You MUST be independent and be able to take care of yourself when they leave you. Even though I grew up with a father that proved daily that he could and should be trusted to take care of us, there was something about those little seeds planted by my grandmother and aunts that caused me to be suspicious of men.

For many years I would have said I was a silent egalitarian. I believed that everything should be equal between Brandon and I…providing for our family, duties at home, respect, and that since men were failing at “stepping up” in the church and in life, that women should take those places and get the job done. As I grew in Christ and began to trust that Brandon loved me and had my best interest at heart, I became a complementarian. You know, we are different as men and women but our roles complement each other. I still wasn’t completely sold on submission though. Why should I have to submit to a man, even a man that loved me so well? I was a smart, capable, independent, adult woman after all.

Over the past three years I was introduced to patriarchy. I immediately bristled up when I first heard the word. Seriously, patriarchy was dangerous and demeaning to women…wasn’t it? This is when I started digging into what exactly patriarchy was. The definition of patriarchy is “father rule”. This is not automatic. It's much more than being a male or having biological children and let me be clear, toxic patriarchy should ABSOLUTELY be rejected. The thing that I have come to learn is that there is hierarchy everywhere in this world. Jobs, family, church, the Bible, and the list could go on and on. I heard a quote by Toby Sumpter the other day that hits the nail right on the head. He said “Men will always set the direction of a society for better or worse. The question is not whether men will rule but how they will rule.” We don’t have to be afraid of “father rule”. While, yes, there are definitely men who abuse this role, there are so many good Godly men stepping up and filling this role with strength, love, and purpose. Today I will be talking about the two sides to patriarchy… toxic vs Godly.

Toxic Patriarchy- Like I said above this type of patriarchy should be rejected by men and women alike. One example of toxic patriarchy is when men have unbiblical expectations and rules for women. This is when men abuse women in one form or another and use the Bible to justify their actions. The bible is clear that a man is to love his wife as Christ loves the church (Ephesians 5:25). This is a huge task. Christ gave his life up for the church. Men should be willing to do the same for their wives.

Another example of toxic patriarchy is a man that is weak and indecisive. This doesn’t mean that there won’t ever be times where a man faces weakness or trouble making an important decision. What it does mean is that their life is not characterized by weakness and indecisiveness. A dependance on the Lord daily will help this not be what a man is known for. 2 Corinthians 12:9 is a perfect example by Paul of a man facing weakness but depending on the Lord to turn that weakness into strength by the grace of God.

The last example of toxic patriarchy is a man that is ruled by the flesh. One of the ways a man could be ruled by the flesh is through anger. Proverbs 29:11 says that a fool loses his temper. The Bible tells us to rid ourselves of things like anger, wrath, malice, slander, and obscene talk (Colossians 3:8). Another way a man could be ruled by the flesh is if he is hyper sexual. I’m not talking about having a healthy sex life in a marriage. What I am talking about is if a man is controlled by sex. One of the most prominent ways this plays itself out is through an addiction to pornography. Matthew 5:28 tells us that if a man even looks at a woman lustfully he has committed sin. Galatians 5:19 tells us that these things are the works of the flesh. If a man cannot control himself in these areas he is displaying toxic patriarchy and is not leading his wife or family in a Godly way.

Godly Patriarchy- To be a godly patriarch there are several things that need to be present. First, a man must be strong. I’m not saying that a man has to work out 7 days a week and look like a bodybuilder. What I am saying is that a man should be strong in his values, decisions, and mind, and be physically strong enough to protect his family. The most important aspect of strength, though, should be his faith in the Lord. An aspect of strength in a man is that they are content with the circumstances that God has set before them and they trust him for the strength they need to endure. 2 Corinthians 12:10 shows that a man can face weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities because of the strength God gives him. Another way a godly man can show strength is by being willing to call out sin and speak truth to other Christians. This isn’t always easy, especially depending on the personality of the man, but we are to speak the truth no matter the cost and this takes strength.

Next, a godly patriarch must be a good father and husband. It is imperative that to be a godly patriarch a man must teach and lead his family, provide for his family, and protect his family. Deuteronomy 6:6-9 shows us how a father should be teaching and training his children. This should be a consistent thing that’s being done in the home daily. Another thing a godly patriarch should do is provide for his family. I understand where there are circumstances where a man cannot physically work but in all other circumstances the man of the house should be working to provide. 1 Timothy 5:8 tells us that if a man isn’t working, he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever. Next, a godly patriarch should be prepared to protect his family. 1 Corinthians 16:13 is a call from scripture to “act like men” and to be “strong”. Acting like a man may mean protecting his family from spiritual attack or physical attack. Either way, a man should be willing and able to protect his loved ones.

Lastly, a godly patriarch will be self-controlled and display proper emotions. Self-control is one of the fruits of the spirit (Galatians 5:22-23) that we should all display, yet men seem to have a special call to this because they are the shepherd and leader of their households. If a man is without self-control and is overly emotional his home will be a place of insecurity and unrest. Scripture tells us that we should be in control of our emotions. Jeremiah 17:9 tells us that we can not trust our hearts to rule us because they are desperately sick and deceitful. A man who is in control of himself and his emotions will be a stable and strong man that his wife and kids can count on.

Coming from a place of being raised to be suspicious of men, I can understand a woman’s reservations with the “patriarchy”. The thing is though if it is played out in a godly way, there is no better way for a home to run. My husband and I have been married for 23 years and he is a wonderful example of exactly what a patriarch is to look like and how one is to function. He is not perfect and would never claim to be but he loves us well, follows God daily, leads our home and our church, and is a strong and stable place for us all to land. I hope that you will take the time to consider what this can look like in your life, if done properly. Remember God set forth this concept and He does all things for our good and for His glory.

–Kassy